


crescendo

by SilentApocalypse



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project, Love Live! Sunshine!!
Genre: Anxiety, Character Study, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-01 21:49:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14529939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentApocalypse/pseuds/SilentApocalypse
Summary: Riko Sakurauchi on making friends, shaking fears, and breaking free.





	crescendo

**Author's Note:**

> me: more Aqours character studies would be fun!  
> also me: immediately starts writing one of the characters I am least confident with, for some reason
> 
> I can relate to Riko’s flaws maybe a little too much, which makes her a challenge. I hope I stayed true to her character and didn’t project too much.

Riko starts playing piano as a child because her parents sign her up for lessons. That’s really all there is to it. According to her tutor and her parents, she’s good at it, but that’s not the reason Riko starts liking piano. She likes it because when she sits on the bench, she knows exactly what is expected of her. It’s her and the music and everything is straightforward.

There’s plenty of room for interpretation in music, as she learns when she gets older and gains experience. But she’s still the one who decides what happens. If the song doesn’t sound right, it’s because her fingers tripped or she didn’t hold the pedal at the right point or she lost her place in the sheet music. Riko might make mistakes, but she’s always in control. That’s even more true when she starts making her own compositions.

Riko is not good at dealing with people. She hesitates too much and sticks to the outskirts of most social events. When she plays piano or squints over a sheet of music, no one thinks she’s strange for being alone. She’s just concentrating on a hobby she enjoys.

That’s all well and good until she gets to high school and suddenly she is expected to perform. Riko has always been more interested in the creative side of music over the technical aspects, so she avoided being involved in piano competitions when she was younger. But Otonokizaka is very proud of its music program and she starts being entered into recitals to play her compositions.

The stage lights are hot enough to make Riko sweat. The applause as the announcer introduces her makes her feel sick instead of excited. She can’t forget this is not just her and the music anymore when she can hear whispering and see people shifting in their seats out of the corner of her eye. She manages once, then twice. She tells herself it will get easier. It does not.

There’s a recital close to the end of her first year. She is shaking as she walks on stage and she feels like she can’t really breathe. Her fingers are numb and as she raises them she realizes they’re trembling violently. Riko doesn’t feel like she can play a scale, much less a real piece of music.

So she stands, heart in her throat, bows to indicate she’s finished, and quickly walks off stage. She hurries to the bathroom and locks herself in a stall. Her breaths are hitching and her fingers and toes are on pins and needles like they’ve fallen asleep. She gasps again and again and thinks faintly that she might be dying.

It passes. Riko is tired and miserable but very much alive. She drags herself to the sink and splashes water on her face until she feels something like a human being again.

Her parents worry, but they don’t push. Maybe some of Riko’s skittishness comes from them. They’re moving soon anyway and they listen when Riko says she doesn’t think she should attend school for a bit, that she wants some time to adjust. Her head aches and her stomach turns whenever she thinks about the ill-fated recital, about the shock and disappointment on the faces in the audience she saw before she rushed offstage. When she imagines the looks and whispers from students and teachers if she goes back to Otonokizaka…

She just can’t.

So Riko finds herself with a little free time before they properly move. That’s why she decides to visit Uchiura.

And that’s when everything is set into motion.

***

After a combination of train and bus rides, Riko sees Uchiura for the first time. Salt-scented air and the sound of ocean waves greet her. She’s been to the beach before, but it was so crowded. Here she can’t see anything but a great stretch of empty sand and the wide ocean beyond. It’s just a natural part of daily life. If she wants to get away from Tokyo, she doesn’t think she could pick a more different place.

There’s a wooden dock built on the beach, which seems perfect for her purposes. If she’s going to go underwater to search for a view she hasn’t seen before, something that can inspire her without reminding her of what happened the last time she was onstage, then she should jump right in where it’s deep enough to submerge herself.

Riko didn’t tell her parents about this part of her plans. It’s weird to want to come all the way out here in March to jump in the ocean, she knows, but that doesn’t change her desire to do it. She starts shedding her uniform to reveal the swimsuit underneath.

“STOP!” The shout almost makes her jump out of her skin. She had thought she was alone, but suddenly someone is barreling into her and she’s not entirely sure what’s happening until they’re both falling.

Riko hits cold water and sputters up for air. A girl in a different school uniform pops up after her, shrieking about the temperature as she grabs Riko’s hand and starts dragging her to shore. She introduces herself as Chika Takami and cheerfully starts up a conversation while she wrings out her clothes like there’s absolutely nothing unusual about this situation.

Honestly, Riko is too stunned to properly react, so she’s just rolling with it.

She recognizes the Otonokizaka uniform in the video Chika plays, of course, and for a moment she’s terrified this strange girl knows everything about her, that she knows exactly how badly Riko failed and is taunting her. But no, it has to be just a coincidence. Riko’s uniform skirt is still folded up inside her blazer and that’s generic enough to be unrecognizable. Seeing them in the uniform of her school is part of what makes her think these school idols look so normal.

And Chika just smiles at everything Riko says even when it’s kind of weird and keeps talking. It’s almost comfortable in a way. If everyone in Uchiura is like this, Riko thinks she might be okay.

Eventually, she bids Chika farewell and wanders through the rest of town for a bit before her swimsuit is dry enough to change. She honestly thought that would be the end of it.

But Uchiura is tiny. Almost every high school girl there attends Uranohoshi. Riko doesn’t expect to see her again is because she’s used to Tokyo where even neighbors could attend any of dozens of different schools. So she’s caught off guard when she walks into class and is met with Chika jumping up and shouting about miracles and shining and everything like they’re back on the beach instead of in the middle of school.

And so Riko smiles and says no. She’s never been one to make commitments thoughtlessly and given she believed her meeting with Chika was a one-time event, she hasn’t given any further thought to school idols. Her only goal right now is to find a way to enjoy piano again. Besides, if she says yes and then nerves get the best of her again, Chika will be so much more disappointed than if she never agreed.

It only seems logical to turn her down. Once again, Riko thinks that will be the end of it. This time it’s not the small size of the town that surprises her, but the extent of Chika’s optimism and dogged persistence. (In hindsight, Riko thinks she probably should have expected it even after only meeting her a few brief times.) Chika keeps asking over and over and over, usually with another girl, You, standing behind her with a sheepish smile and an apology for Chika’s complete inability to take “no” for an answer.

But these girls are so nice about the whole thing and Chika’s desire to help Riko work through her feelings seems genuine beyond its influence on her passion for school idols. So in spite of not knowing what Chika is planning for the weekend, Riko goes where she’s told. For most people, this is a small step. For Riko, it feels like skydiving without a parachute. She doesn’t _do_ impulsive. She makes plans and double, triple, quadruple checks them before making decisions.

But she doesn’t regret it as she finds herself being presented with a wetsuit and taken on a boat. Kanan is easygoing and kind and Riko understands why she’s friends with Chika. There are some basic instructions on safety and then she’s jumping into the ocean.

And the thing is, it’s not half as scary as she imagined. Kanan is watching from the boat with a knowing smile and Chika and You are swimming at her side as they prepare to dive down. Then they do and it’s a whole different world. Morning sunlight streams down and through her goggles she sees a world of muted, wavering colors. There are fish and plants and suddenly she’s playing with chords in her head and there’s no fear.

They all surface and laugh and even after coming ashore Riko can think about piano without thinking about that disastrous competition. That’s why she finds herself searching one of the μ’s songs Chika mentioned. She touches the piano in her room and finds her nervous thoughts are quiet, so she starts to sing and play.

And then Chika is staring from the window and Riko wants to hide under her bed and never ever come out. Except this is Chika, who has done dozens of embarrassing things in front of her without a thought, so she swallows her fears and goes onto the balcony. She pours her heart out and Chika keeps smiling, keeps saying it’s okay and she still wants to be a school idol with her.

So Riko finally agrees. She borrows a little of Chika’s endless persistence and reaches for her hand under the stars. Chika, You, and Riko are a trio of school idols now. They tease her from time to time (the Three Mermaids Incident, as Riko thinks of it in her head, is a prime example) but it’s always in good fun. These girls are willing to put themselves out there by her side and that’s why Riko thinks singing and dancing and wearing a frilly costume is okay.

Alone, she’d probably run away again. But Aqours is a circle of the three of them and they laugh backstage before their debut performance. It’s not her and the music, it’s _them_ and the music and that makes facing the audience more bearable.

Even if it’s an embarrassingly small audience and she feels her heart sink into her stomach at the thought this will be the end. She still smiles like she practiced and she can see Chika and You doing the same.

Then there’s a tremendous lightning strike and the power fizzles out. Chika tries to keep going but starts sobbing and that’s the first terrifying moment that Riko realizes she isn’t superhuman. For all the stars in her eyes and talk about shining, she still has things that upset her. She is still afraid to fail.

They don’t, though. The show is saved and the gym is filled and Aqours will continue. Chika is all smiles again as they clean their messy clubroom, recruit a trio of first years, and bumble their way into making a promotional video.

They go to Tokyo. The other five girls squeal about visiting Otonokizaka and Riko can’t. Just going back to Tokyo feels like an enormous step, one she can only take because she has her friends to give her a push. She refuses to go and tries to tell herself again and again it’s not running away. The more times she repeats it, the more it feels like a lie.

They see Saint Snow and then they perform and it’s a big fat zero. They touched exactly zero people in spite of all their efforts and hard work. Chika is all smiles but Riko already knows she’s not superhuman, that she’s still afraid to fail. Riko thinks of how she can be braver because she has Chika and the others at her side and thinks of what it must be like to be the leader of this whole school idol venture, to have all these people relying on you.

She doesn’t really feel worthy of the role, but she wants to be someone Chika can rely on, too. So she encourages Chika to allow herself to be weak in front of them and they work past it. Aqours continues again.

The third years join. When she first heard the story of their failed group, Riko thought Kanan was similar to her. It’s clear that’s not the case once the truth comes out and Riko thinks she should have expected as much. Kanan is brave and strong and of course she didn’t run away from her problems like Riko did just because she was scared. Kanan isn’t that weak.

(Riko thought she was getting past those thoughts, but sometimes they still pop up.)

Prelims aren’t the only reason Riko initially says no to the piano recital. She’s still scared. Aqours has become a comfortable enough place for her to make their next song heavily feature piano, but that’s completely different from performing on her own. She still thinks she might fail when she stands alone under the hot stage lights. She knows her friends won’t be able to support her, that they’ll be on a stage far, far away from her.

But Chika believes in her with a certainty that’s both terrifying and exhilarating. Chika, who is brave and strong and sometimes scared but always moving forward, thinks Riko is capable of anything. Somehow, she makes Riko feel like she really can do it and the feeling doesn’t end when the conversation does.

So she agrees. She heads out to Tokyo with the song she started composing that day, now long past, when she and Chika and You went diving. Even before the day of the recital, she realizes several things.

This is what Riko realizes about Chika: she is at once perceptive and dense. She can sense when something is wrong but has a hard time pinpointing exactly what it is. She calls and shares worries about You, who’s having problems with the dance. She decides to head out even though it’s late at night. She knows she needs to comfort her friend even if she doesn’t quite realize the emotional context.

This is what Riko realizes about You: she isn’t superhuman, either. In Riko’s head, You has always been labelled “Chika’s best friend.” She’s the one who from the start motivated Chika with a smile by asking if she wanted to quit at all the right times. She’s also the one who was always there to support any of them when they were down. Up until now, Riko believed You was self-assured and positive about everything. But You has her own doubts and insecurities. You is afraid she’ll lose Chika’s friendship, which anyone else can see is absurd. Riko knows all too well that fears do not always reflect reality, so she calls You and encourages her to be herself and put her own movements into the dance. She knows You will understand the feelings Riko can’t properly put into words.

This is what Riko realizes about herself: no one else thinks she is half as much of a failure as she does. The reason Riko hadn’t talked to You about the dance before now is because she never imagined anyone would keep her in mind when they switched the choreography. While Riko was always sure Chika considered her a friend, she was never as certain about the other members of Aqours. She felt like a tag-along, only there because they needed someone who could compose. She doubted whether she was good enough to matter to them. Now she realizes these are really her friends, these people who have so much love in their hearts and see a much better person when they look at her than what she sees when she looks in the mirror.

And so she puts on the same outfit she wore when she failed so long ago, but she adds a pale pink scrunchie on her wrist. She closes her eyes and then looks in the mirror and tries to see what they see: someone they trust, someone they believe in, someone who is worthwhile.

When she sits at the piano bench, she doesn’t think about the audience. This performance isn’t really for them. She instead thinks about cold ocean water and a strange girl shouting on a beach about wanting to shine. She thinks about sunlight diffusing in an undersea world and laughing with two other girls on the surface. She thinks of a performance in a mostly empty gym. She thinks of the zuras and ganbarubys and little demons. She thinks of laughter and tears and hugs as the third years finally understand each other. She thinks of nine girls performing under fireworks and eight girls preparing for a live show at this moment. With all these thoughts swirling in her head, her performance flies by.

Riko smiles when she stands and bows, then raises a hand up to display her scrunchie. Maybe the audience thinks it’s weird. She can’t make herself care much at the moment. This is the same feeling she has after a school idol performance, the giddiness of doing your best for the simple purpose of wanting to shine.

She gets a trophy, but the real prize is this feeling that she really _can_ do the things she sets her mind to, that their faith in her is not misplaced. What she’s thinking about now is Aqours and the prelims. She refreshes the Love Live website over and over and over until their video pops up. She sees them making motions that allude to piano and sees You’s and Chika’s smiles widen when they take each other’s hands. After it’s over and the audience bursts into applause, they all raise up their hands to display their scrunchies and Riko feels a strong connection to them all in spite of the physical distance.

The others come to Tokyo and on the way home they vow to forge their own path. Aqours is taking a huge step forward just like Riko herself did. Running through a brand new place isn’t so frightening when she knows she can trust the others to have her back.

***

Being able to trust in what they’re doing only becomes more and more important. Their second term brings with it increased obstacles, but Riko vows to put everything she has into Love Live and saving Uranohoshi right alongside the others. It’s different now. Months ago, when Aqours was six people and they learned about the school’s impending close, it hadn’t seemed like a serious problem. Chika had jumped around and shouted about how they were just like μ's, Hanamaru had squealed about the prospect of being city girls, and that was that. They made their PV and hoped the Love Live exposure would do the trick like it did for Otonokizaka.

But now it’s different for all of them. Riko honestly hadn’t cared much about Uranohoshi at the time. Sure, she was enjoying being a school idol and spending time with her new friends, but they’d all be funneled into the same school anyway if it closed. Now she loves the school for being close-knit and full of students with passion who cared for one another. Uranohoshi is still small and inconveniently located and impractical, but there’s something special here and the thought of losing this place she belongs so soon after finding it makes her heart ache.

They all feel the same way and keep going in spite of the difficulty. That means a ride on a runaway tram and sprinting between venues for an exhausting double performance that ranks as one of the most satisfying things Riko has ever done. It also means practices in Numazu instead of at Uranohoshi because of the bus schedule.

That’s what leads Yoshiko to a dog, which leads Yoshiko to Riko. Well, to be fair, they’ve been school idols together for months now, so it’s not like they’ve never had a conversation. But Riko would freely admit she didn’t understand Yoshiko the way the other first years seemed to as they giggled and fooled around together.

To say Riko isn’t thrilled to have a dog pushed on her is an understatement. It isn’t like she has any past trauma with dogs, but they’re unpredictable and needy in a way that makes her uncomfortable. It’s only because Yoshiko begs that she accepts at all, though this turns out to be another case where facing what scares her directly helps. When they’re familiar with her, she finds, dogs can be pleasant company. So of course as soon as she discovers that the dog’s real owners appear.

She huddles with Yoshiko during the long, rainy afternoon and listens to her talk about fate and wanting to be special. This leads to another realization: Yoshiko might be just as insecure as Riko herself. So Riko smiles back to her and says she believes in something like destiny, too. The idea everything will work out in the end is comforting and seems justified by her recent experience. Aqours has been nothing short of a miracle for her.

(And it’s true in smaller ways, too. She’s able to scratch Shiitake behind the ears the next time she visits Chika, which the her of last week would have thought impossible.)

She heads into their next performance with high hopes. Chika recklessly throws herself into tumbling while Riko and the rest have some trouble with the dance themselves, but it all comes together brilliantly in the end. It’s an unforgettable performance that makes waves online.

It’s still not enough.

Chika cries at practice and they all split up to think things over. Riko feels lost and adrift like she hasn’t in months. She has failed again. It wasn’t alone this time. She isn’t quite sure whether that makes it better.

The rest of Aqours seems just as defeated as she does, but the rest of the student body shouts at them to keep going and win Love Live. It reminds Riko why she has grown to love this school so much. They support and believe in each other no matter what happens and always do everything they can.

Saint Snow has a disastrous fall at their own prelims and it feeds into a truth Riko has slowly been learning. No one is perfect and no one will ever succeed at everything they do. It’s not pretty but she’s glad to learn it. If everyone fails, then there isn’t any real reason to be ashamed of doing so as long as she does her best.

The day of finals draws closer and closer. They arrive in Tokyo and this time thinking about Otonokizaka doesn’t frighten her. She visits alone and walks through the empty halls to the music room that always felt so stifling. Now she can smile as she slides onto the bench and begins to play the piano part of the song Aqours performed without her. The last weight hanging over her finally melts away.

Then it's time for finals. When Riko walks off the stage at the end of their performance, she’s already happy regardless of the results. They all did their absolute best together and she’s incredibly proud of what they have achieved. If they lose here, she’s going to hold her head high.

But that isn’t what happens. Aqours wins Love Live and she’s surrounded by the eight girls who went on this journey alongside her, who shed sweat and tears together, who didn’t always succeed but never gave in, who believed in her when she still wasn’t sure she could believe in herself.

And so she’s able to sing and dance one last time in that school that gave her so much before they say goodbye. She’s able to smile and walk forward into the uncertain future. She’s still a little afraid, but she knows failing doesn’t mean the end. It just means she needs to stand up and try again.

***

Riko devotes most of her free time to piano. What she really enjoys about writing music, she thinks, is freedom, not control. She can create exactly what she wants and share it with whoever she wants.

She performs occasionally, but more often she posts audio files to the old Aqours group chat and giggles over the responses from her friends.  Uranohoshi is gone and Aqours is scattered, but that doesn’t mean she has lost her place to belong or the people who support her. No matter where she is, she knows all they expect is for her to do her best.


End file.
